I don't remember the last time I laughed so hard that my stomach hurt. I want that. I want the feeling that I laughed so hard that I can't tell the difference between ab work or hours of laughter. I don't know what I have to do to get to that point? Do I need to put myself out there more often? Do I need friends that want to laugh as much as I do? All I know is I want to wake up happy again.
I'm FUNNY. I make other people laugh far more than they make me laugh. Is it because I actually AM funnier than most, or because I usually make jokes at my own expense? Is that why I would rather be with my dogs than with my friends? If my family lived closer to me, would I want to be near them as much as I yearn to be now? Probably not. No one in my family understands mental illness. My mom tries, but it hurts her too much for me to get into the nitty gritty of the disease. She basically thinks as long as 'voices' aren't telling me to do myself harm that eventually I will snap out of it. My Dad loves me. He doesn't know how to show it, and when it comes down to it, he just gets angry and shuts down, but lately he has been trying. My brother thinks he is a demi God and that all illnesses are mind over matter, so as long as I go to the gym and eat healthy my mind will automatically fix itself. Do you know how hard it is to go to the gym, exercise and have this false hope that once I am fit, slim and healthy that I will be happy? It's not easy. Its not the cure. Sure it helps, but then when you miss a day at the gym, or eat that pizza for dinner you feel even worse than you would have if you didn't have that false hope in the first place. Guilt is a terrible thing to add to depression or anxiety.
My moms biggest fear is that I am going to die, and they are going to have to use a crane to lift me out of my house. Seriously? I'm 220lbs and falling. That is far from crane weight. When the day comes that I will meet death, believe me, I will be rolled out on a gurney. Don't worry mom. It won't be as embarrassing as you think. I don't have the genes to be over 300lbs. And I never plan to be there. I enjoy losing weight. It helps me defer my focus from everyday things that bother me. I want to be slim, and happy, and attractive...but believe me. It wont make my chemical imbalance somehow balance itself. I'm stuck with it, and i;m ok with it. I go off my rocker every few years, but thems the breaks when you are on medication meant for short term usage.
