Holy shit, a lot can happen in a year. I can't believe this is my life sometimes...
Finally saw a magical dr named Dr Wade. Instead of being baffled and frustrated by my crazy blood tests and abnormal health patterns he decided to try to treat me aggressively and see what happens. Started some crazy immunosuppressants and cell killing drugs that literally made me feel like I was going to die...but like magic, slowly but surely I am getting better. My blood tests are now closer to normal than not normal and I feel pretty damn good. Throw in a 50lb + weight loss since March of 2014 and you've got almost a brand new me.
But with all good things I am still battling my demons. Sometimes it's hard, especially on 'drug day Thursday' when I can't always rationalize my life. Being on these drugs has come at a cost. Dr wade has said that if I get pregnant on these medications he will quit medicine. It is THAT serious that I do not procreate on methotrexate. Not that I had a baby daddy lined up, but when you are told you cannot do something all of a sudden you are 34 years old and being told 'you cannot have a baby!'. It's rather life shattering. I have always wanted to be a mom, I think I would have made a really great one. I guess I can always adopt once I get my body and head back in check.
I will write more soon, but I needed to fill in the blanks of the past year...I'm so different it scares me! Xox
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
So sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Here's a bit of a background. I have been in pain for so long I cant even remember what it feels like to feel good. Normal. I have been diagnosed with everything under the sun, with no relief. Depression, lupus, arthritis, gout, hypothyroidism, insomnia, chronic asthma, fibromyalgia, poly cystic ovary syndrome, blood clotting disorder, insulin resistance, intervertebral disc disorder...apparently I have it all. My blood tests are all crazy. My blood doesn't clot, I have inflammation all over my body and I HURT all the time.
I'm turning 34 tomorrow. I'm fat, single and very unhealthy. I don't think I have much to offer anyone, so I put up huge walls. No one wants to get in a relationship with a fat, depressed person who is always in pain. I've wasted the last 6 years of my life being hurt, seeking the cure to my unknown ailments and napping.
Last summer I went on a huge amount of prednisone for a few months. I was finally without pain, but the side effects of steroids aren't exactly what an already fat person wants to add to the mix. Not only did I look like a hairy monster, but I was sinking into a further depression which I still have yet to dig myself out of. What is wrong with me?
I have tried every diet known to man. Restricted calories, no carb, vegetarian, high protein...but I have come to realized that diet is not my problem. My lifestyle is. I have to start living my life. I have to alter my diet into my lifestyle. How do I do this when I am in pain all the time, and never want to face the world? I'm an emotional eater. Carbs make me temporarily feel good. I turn to crackers, bread, and cakes when I am down, and since I am almost always down nowadays, I seem to be eating them a lot. And you know what? My pain has gotten WORSE.
So here I am. Writing and crying, crying and writing. One day away from my birthday and making a vow to change my life. Today is day 1 of my new lifestyle. I will not be doing strenuous exercise, but I am starting the Paleo diet today. Today I will be eating fish, veggies and nuts. I want this pain to end and I am willing to try anything....
I'm turning 34 tomorrow. I'm fat, single and very unhealthy. I don't think I have much to offer anyone, so I put up huge walls. No one wants to get in a relationship with a fat, depressed person who is always in pain. I've wasted the last 6 years of my life being hurt, seeking the cure to my unknown ailments and napping.
Last summer I went on a huge amount of prednisone for a few months. I was finally without pain, but the side effects of steroids aren't exactly what an already fat person wants to add to the mix. Not only did I look like a hairy monster, but I was sinking into a further depression which I still have yet to dig myself out of. What is wrong with me?
I have tried every diet known to man. Restricted calories, no carb, vegetarian, high protein...but I have come to realized that diet is not my problem. My lifestyle is. I have to start living my life. I have to alter my diet into my lifestyle. How do I do this when I am in pain all the time, and never want to face the world? I'm an emotional eater. Carbs make me temporarily feel good. I turn to crackers, bread, and cakes when I am down, and since I am almost always down nowadays, I seem to be eating them a lot. And you know what? My pain has gotten WORSE.
So here I am. Writing and crying, crying and writing. One day away from my birthday and making a vow to change my life. Today is day 1 of my new lifestyle. I will not be doing strenuous exercise, but I am starting the Paleo diet today. Today I will be eating fish, veggies and nuts. I want this pain to end and I am willing to try anything....
Saturday, August 3, 2013
We have lost the power to make each other laugh.
I don't remember the last time I laughed so hard that my stomach hurt. I want that. I want the feeling that I laughed so hard that I can't tell the difference between ab work or hours of laughter. I don't know what I have to do to get to that point? Do I need to put myself out there more often? Do I need friends that want to laugh as much as I do? All I know is I want to wake up happy again.
I'm FUNNY. I make other people laugh far more than they make me laugh. Is it because I actually AM funnier than most, or because I usually make jokes at my own expense? Is that why I would rather be with my dogs than with my friends? If my family lived closer to me, would I want to be near them as much as I yearn to be now? Probably not. No one in my family understands mental illness. My mom tries, but it hurts her too much for me to get into the nitty gritty of the disease. She basically thinks as long as 'voices' aren't telling me to do myself harm that eventually I will snap out of it. My Dad loves me. He doesn't know how to show it, and when it comes down to it, he just gets angry and shuts down, but lately he has been trying. My brother thinks he is a demi God and that all illnesses are mind over matter, so as long as I go to the gym and eat healthy my mind will automatically fix itself. Do you know how hard it is to go to the gym, exercise and have this false hope that once I am fit, slim and healthy that I will be happy? It's not easy. Its not the cure. Sure it helps, but then when you miss a day at the gym, or eat that pizza for dinner you feel even worse than you would have if you didn't have that false hope in the first place. Guilt is a terrible thing to add to depression or anxiety.
My moms biggest fear is that I am going to die, and they are going to have to use a crane to lift me out of my house. Seriously? I'm 220lbs and falling. That is far from crane weight. When the day comes that I will meet death, believe me, I will be rolled out on a gurney. Don't worry mom. It won't be as embarrassing as you think. I don't have the genes to be over 300lbs. And I never plan to be there. I enjoy losing weight. It helps me defer my focus from everyday things that bother me. I want to be slim, and happy, and attractive...but believe me. It wont make my chemical imbalance somehow balance itself. I'm stuck with it, and i;m ok with it. I go off my rocker every few years, but thems the breaks when you are on medication meant for short term usage.
I'm FUNNY. I make other people laugh far more than they make me laugh. Is it because I actually AM funnier than most, or because I usually make jokes at my own expense? Is that why I would rather be with my dogs than with my friends? If my family lived closer to me, would I want to be near them as much as I yearn to be now? Probably not. No one in my family understands mental illness. My mom tries, but it hurts her too much for me to get into the nitty gritty of the disease. She basically thinks as long as 'voices' aren't telling me to do myself harm that eventually I will snap out of it. My Dad loves me. He doesn't know how to show it, and when it comes down to it, he just gets angry and shuts down, but lately he has been trying. My brother thinks he is a demi God and that all illnesses are mind over matter, so as long as I go to the gym and eat healthy my mind will automatically fix itself. Do you know how hard it is to go to the gym, exercise and have this false hope that once I am fit, slim and healthy that I will be happy? It's not easy. Its not the cure. Sure it helps, but then when you miss a day at the gym, or eat that pizza for dinner you feel even worse than you would have if you didn't have that false hope in the first place. Guilt is a terrible thing to add to depression or anxiety.
My moms biggest fear is that I am going to die, and they are going to have to use a crane to lift me out of my house. Seriously? I'm 220lbs and falling. That is far from crane weight. When the day comes that I will meet death, believe me, I will be rolled out on a gurney. Don't worry mom. It won't be as embarrassing as you think. I don't have the genes to be over 300lbs. And I never plan to be there. I enjoy losing weight. It helps me defer my focus from everyday things that bother me. I want to be slim, and happy, and attractive...but believe me. It wont make my chemical imbalance somehow balance itself. I'm stuck with it, and i;m ok with it. I go off my rocker every few years, but thems the breaks when you are on medication meant for short term usage.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
She came out west to find the sun...
I moved to Vancouver for a boy in 1998. Ok, ok... well I also moved here for University but I would have probably went to Alberta if it wasn't for a boy. Soon after I moved here, we broke up. Shocking? I think not. My 18 year old self was crushed, and for the first time in my life I felt completely alone. My parents lived on the other side of the province, my brother and I didn't have the best relationship and he also lived in a different part of the province. Yup. I was ALONE. It was sink or swim in the friendship department. I needed some fucking friends.
Luckily I was living on campus and there were like 2 cool people in my entire dorm and we became fast besties. I am still in contact with both of them, but our lives are completely different...and one of them now lives in Mexico and the other is a married lawyer with a baby. But those two people set the bar really high in the friendship department. It is because of them that I have a 'no acquaintance' policy when it comes to friends. I know, it sounds a bit harsh but you're either someone I love and trust and who loves and trusts me, or you're not. I don't open up to just anyone, and I certainly don't let just anyone in my circle. I'm a phenomenal friend, and if you arent a phenomenal friend back, I will cutchoo out of my life. Sometimes it takes a while for my to realize who loves me, or who just wants me to love them. I don't do one way streets anymore. Its just something i've learned in life. I used to be all give and no take, and now I just want a little take dammit.
This is why I have the greatest friends in the world. Wait...what? When I recently had major surgery and couldn't move for 8 weeks it was my FAMILY (Mom) that I had to rely on almost completely. My neighbors Jess and Dustin were pretty fabulous too, but Im going to give most of the credit to my loving mother, and tolerant father who had to live alone for the 2 weeks my mom was here looking after me, before I could be moved to their home 800kms away to recuperate on their couch. Where were all my amazing friends? Ya, I had a visit from a few. Once. They put in their courtesy stop and moved on. My best friend drove a long ass way to spend a weekend with me, which was awesome....but overall the only people I had to depend on was my family. If it was the other way around, and one of my friends got hurt, or sick I would be there daily to help out, do chores, walk their dogs, anything I could possibly do to make them feel like they are loved. So I guess i'll always be that girl who gives more than she takes. And I guess I am ok with that. Only because one day soon, i am due for a healthy dose of Karma and if it comes in the form of the Lotto Max, i'm cool with that.
I have finally realized that so many other people have shitty luck too. Its not just me. I was beginning to think I was all alone. My friends seem to think I was Hitler in my previous life...but maybe I was just Stalin?
I met a new guy. On twitter. He is positive, and refreshing and always has a kind word for everyone. When I was down last week, he sent me tweets of encouragement...he was a key player in my defunking and he probably doesn't even realize it. No, this is not a love connection...its a spiritual connection. I absolutely think he is a wonderful person and believe he will be a lifelong friend.
After being cancer free for 18 months, he was told yesterday that his Leukemia is back. Me, being who I am, wants to take this all away from him. But I can't. I feel so helpless, and even though he is a new 'twitternet' friend, I find myself wanting to immerse myself in supporting him. Its what I do best. I focus on others, and that part of me will never change. Fuck cancer. Seriously!
Luckily I was living on campus and there were like 2 cool people in my entire dorm and we became fast besties. I am still in contact with both of them, but our lives are completely different...and one of them now lives in Mexico and the other is a married lawyer with a baby. But those two people set the bar really high in the friendship department. It is because of them that I have a 'no acquaintance' policy when it comes to friends. I know, it sounds a bit harsh but you're either someone I love and trust and who loves and trusts me, or you're not. I don't open up to just anyone, and I certainly don't let just anyone in my circle. I'm a phenomenal friend, and if you arent a phenomenal friend back, I will cutchoo out of my life. Sometimes it takes a while for my to realize who loves me, or who just wants me to love them. I don't do one way streets anymore. Its just something i've learned in life. I used to be all give and no take, and now I just want a little take dammit.
This is why I have the greatest friends in the world. Wait...what? When I recently had major surgery and couldn't move for 8 weeks it was my FAMILY (Mom) that I had to rely on almost completely. My neighbors Jess and Dustin were pretty fabulous too, but Im going to give most of the credit to my loving mother, and tolerant father who had to live alone for the 2 weeks my mom was here looking after me, before I could be moved to their home 800kms away to recuperate on their couch. Where were all my amazing friends? Ya, I had a visit from a few. Once. They put in their courtesy stop and moved on. My best friend drove a long ass way to spend a weekend with me, which was awesome....but overall the only people I had to depend on was my family. If it was the other way around, and one of my friends got hurt, or sick I would be there daily to help out, do chores, walk their dogs, anything I could possibly do to make them feel like they are loved. So I guess i'll always be that girl who gives more than she takes. And I guess I am ok with that. Only because one day soon, i am due for a healthy dose of Karma and if it comes in the form of the Lotto Max, i'm cool with that.
I have finally realized that so many other people have shitty luck too. Its not just me. I was beginning to think I was all alone. My friends seem to think I was Hitler in my previous life...but maybe I was just Stalin?
I met a new guy. On twitter. He is positive, and refreshing and always has a kind word for everyone. When I was down last week, he sent me tweets of encouragement...he was a key player in my defunking and he probably doesn't even realize it. No, this is not a love connection...its a spiritual connection. I absolutely think he is a wonderful person and believe he will be a lifelong friend.
After being cancer free for 18 months, he was told yesterday that his Leukemia is back. Me, being who I am, wants to take this all away from him. But I can't. I feel so helpless, and even though he is a new 'twitternet' friend, I find myself wanting to immerse myself in supporting him. Its what I do best. I focus on others, and that part of me will never change. Fuck cancer. Seriously!
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Be a good dog, live life in a wonderful way.
Last Saturday night I contemplated suicide for the second time in my life. There I said it. How selfish does that sound? I just didn't want to deal with life anymore. My life hasn't been bad. But it hasn't been easy either. Add that to a string of bad luck and environmental downers, and all I wanted to do was disappear. I didn't think it out. I wasn't going to down a bottle of pills, I didn't plan to take my dogs with me to the 'happy hunting ground', i just knew that I didn't want to live life in this body with this crazy mind anymore.
I struggle with a chemical imbalance, and since 'anti-depressants' aren't made for long time usage I have a battle every few years to find that perfect combination that is going to make me 'normal' for another few years. I struggle to combat both depression as well as major anxiety, which without turning into a total fat ass zombie, is not an easy feat. I hate having to take drugs to live my life. I hate that my friends and family feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me in case I'm having one of 'those days'. I pretty much feel like a walking, talking, time bomb most of the time and because of that tend to shy away from group get togethers, making poor excuses as to why I can't hang out.
Luckily I have a mother that would walk through fire to save me, and is always there to talk me down, even if it makes her hurt. I hate hurting my mother. I hate hurting anyone really, but my mom is my #1 reason that I am still alive. You can't live your life for one person, but when you are that persons world, you think twice about shattering it. At least I do.
Its now Wednesday and my brain is slowly starting to function again. Little tweak here, little tweak there and bam...I am starting to see through the darkness and into the light again. I started writing in a journal, but I cry too much and it gets too messy, so I thought I would start journalling here and see how it goes. I dont know if anyone will ever read this, if I will ever allow anyone to enter this crazy brain of mine, but if this ever goes live my family and friends will get a glimpse of what actually makes me tick....
I struggle with a chemical imbalance, and since 'anti-depressants' aren't made for long time usage I have a battle every few years to find that perfect combination that is going to make me 'normal' for another few years. I struggle to combat both depression as well as major anxiety, which without turning into a total fat ass zombie, is not an easy feat. I hate having to take drugs to live my life. I hate that my friends and family feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me in case I'm having one of 'those days'. I pretty much feel like a walking, talking, time bomb most of the time and because of that tend to shy away from group get togethers, making poor excuses as to why I can't hang out.
Luckily I have a mother that would walk through fire to save me, and is always there to talk me down, even if it makes her hurt. I hate hurting my mother. I hate hurting anyone really, but my mom is my #1 reason that I am still alive. You can't live your life for one person, but when you are that persons world, you think twice about shattering it. At least I do.
Its now Wednesday and my brain is slowly starting to function again. Little tweak here, little tweak there and bam...I am starting to see through the darkness and into the light again. I started writing in a journal, but I cry too much and it gets too messy, so I thought I would start journalling here and see how it goes. I dont know if anyone will ever read this, if I will ever allow anyone to enter this crazy brain of mine, but if this ever goes live my family and friends will get a glimpse of what actually makes me tick....
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