She came out west to find the sun...

I moved to Vancouver for a boy in 1998.  Ok, ok... well I also moved here for University but I would have probably went to Alberta if it wasn't for a boy.  Soon after I moved here, we broke up.  Shocking?  I think not.  My 18 year old self was crushed, and for the first time in my life I felt completely alone.  My parents lived on the other side of the province, my brother and I didn't have the best relationship and he also lived in a different part of the province.  Yup.  I was ALONE.  It was sink or swim in the friendship department.  I needed some fucking friends.
Luckily I was living on campus and there were like 2 cool people in my entire dorm and we became fast besties.  I am still in contact with both of them, but our lives are completely different...and one of them now lives in Mexico and the other is a married lawyer with a baby.   But those two people set the bar really high in the friendship department.  It is because of them that I have a 'no acquaintance'  policy when it comes to friends.  I know, it sounds a bit harsh but you're either someone I love and trust and who loves and trusts me, or you're not.  I don't open up to just anyone, and I certainly don't let just anyone in my circle.  I'm a phenomenal friend, and if you arent a phenomenal friend back, I will cutchoo out of my life.  Sometimes it takes a while for my to realize who loves me, or who just wants me to love them.  I don't do one way streets anymore.  Its just something i've learned in life.  I used to be all give and no take, and now I just want a little take dammit.
This is why I have the greatest friends in the world.  Wait...what?  When I recently had major surgery and couldn't move for 8 weeks it was my FAMILY (Mom) that I had to rely on almost completely.  My neighbors Jess and Dustin were pretty fabulous too, but Im going to give most of the credit to my loving mother, and tolerant father who had to live alone for the 2 weeks my mom was here looking after me, before I could be moved to their home 800kms away to recuperate on their couch.  Where were all my amazing friends?  Ya, I had a visit from a few.  Once.  They put in their courtesy stop and moved on.  My best friend drove a long ass way to spend a weekend with me, which was awesome....but overall the only people I had to depend on was my family.  If it was the other way around, and one of my friends got hurt, or sick I would be there daily to help out, do chores, walk their dogs, anything I could possibly do to make them feel like they are loved.  So I guess i'll always be that girl who gives more than she takes.  And I guess I am ok with that.  Only because one day soon, i am due for a healthy dose of Karma and if it comes in the form of the Lotto Max, i'm cool with that.
I have finally realized that so many other people have shitty luck too.  Its not just me.  I was beginning to think I was all alone.  My friends seem to think I was Hitler in my previous life...but maybe I was just Stalin?
I met a new guy.  On twitter.  He is positive, and refreshing and always has a kind word for everyone.   When I was down last week, he sent me tweets of encouragement...he was a key player in my defunking and he probably doesn't even realize it.   No, this is not a love connection...its a spiritual connection.  I absolutely think he is a wonderful person and believe he will be a lifelong friend.
After being cancer free for 18 months, he was told yesterday that his Leukemia is back.  Me, being who I am, wants to take this all away from him.  But I can't.  I feel so helpless, and even though he is a new 'twitternet' friend, I find myself wanting to immerse myself in supporting him.  Its what I do best.  I focus on others, and that part of me will never change.  Fuck cancer.  Seriously!

Be a good dog, live life in a wonderful way.

Last Saturday night I contemplated suicide for the second time in my life.  There I said it.  How selfish does that sound?  I just didn't want to deal with life anymore.  My life hasn't been bad.  But it hasn't been easy either.   Add that to a string of bad luck and environmental downers, and all I wanted to do was disappear. I didn't think it out.  I wasn't going to down a bottle of pills, I didn't plan to take my dogs with me to the 'happy hunting ground', i just knew that I didn't want to live life in this body with this crazy mind anymore.  
I struggle with a chemical imbalance, and since 'anti-depressants' aren't made for long time usage I have a battle every few years to find that perfect combination that is going to make me 'normal' for another few years.  I struggle to combat both depression as well as major anxiety, which without turning into a total fat ass zombie, is not an easy feat.  I hate having to take drugs to live my life.  I hate that my friends and family feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me in case I'm having one of 'those days'.  I pretty much feel like a walking, talking, time bomb most of the time and because of that tend to shy away from group get togethers, making poor excuses as to why I can't hang out.
 Luckily I have a mother that would walk through fire to save me, and is always there to talk me down, even if it makes her hurt.  I hate hurting my mother.  I hate hurting anyone really, but my mom is my #1 reason that I am still alive.  You can't live your life for one person, but when you are that persons world, you think twice about shattering it.  At least I do.
Its now Wednesday and my brain is slowly starting to function again.  Little tweak here, little tweak there and bam...I am starting to see through the darkness and into the light again.   I started writing in a journal, but I cry too much and it gets too messy, so I thought I would start journalling here and see how it goes.  I dont know if anyone will ever read this, if I will ever allow anyone to enter this crazy brain of mine, but if this ever goes live my family and friends will get a glimpse of what actually makes me tick....