Last Saturday night I contemplated suicide for the second time in my life. There I said it. How selfish does that sound? I just didn't want to deal with life anymore. My life hasn't been bad. But it hasn't been easy either. Add that to a string of bad luck and environmental downers, and all I wanted to do was disappear. I didn't think it out. I wasn't going to down a bottle of pills, I didn't plan to take my dogs with me to the 'happy hunting ground', i just knew that I didn't want to live life in this body with this crazy mind anymore.
I struggle with a chemical imbalance, and since 'anti-depressants' aren't made for long time usage I have a battle every few years to find that perfect combination that is going to make me 'normal' for another few years. I struggle to combat both depression as well as major anxiety, which without turning into a total fat ass zombie, is not an easy feat. I hate having to take drugs to live my life. I hate that my friends and family feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me in case I'm having one of 'those days'. I pretty much feel like a walking, talking, time bomb most of the time and because of that tend to shy away from group get togethers, making poor excuses as to why I can't hang out.
Luckily I have a mother that would walk through fire to save me, and is always there to talk me down, even if it makes her hurt. I hate hurting my mother. I hate hurting anyone really, but my mom is my #1 reason that I am still alive. You can't live your life for one person, but when you are that persons world, you think twice about shattering it. At least I do.
Its now Wednesday and my brain is slowly starting to function again. Little tweak here, little tweak there and bam...I am starting to see through the darkness and into the light again. I started writing in a journal, but I cry too much and it gets too messy, so I thought I would start journalling here and see how it goes. I dont know if anyone will ever read this, if I will ever allow anyone to enter this crazy brain of mine, but if this ever goes live my family and friends will get a glimpse of what actually makes me tick....
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